I'd Do Anything - World Without Sundays

I'm very confused.

There's this boy in a band I really like. The band, I mean, not the boy, no and the boy, no, no, I don't know. My problem is I can't figure out if I like said boy or not.

I have no chance in hell with said boy. I'm sure he has a girlfriend (or boyfriend - I'm liberated) and if he doesn't, why would he want me? Exactly. He wouldn't so I don't have delusions of grandeur or anything like that. I've been trying to grow up when it comes to that sort of thing, though it doesn't always work.

Here's what I do know. I love the way he makes me feel. When I'm around him I act like a complete ass and I don't feel like one...at the time (later when I reflect on the conversation I want to bury myself). I feel loved, I feel important, and I feel (somewhat) pretty which never happens. He boosts my confidence just by listening to what I have to say whatever it may be (and it's usually stupid) or complimenting me for some odd reason. The last time he gave me his autograph he signed it with a little heart and after that I've been saying how he gave me a small heart, but broke mine. Why? Because I'll never have him...but I'm not sure I want him in the first place!

I try to imagine us being together and, though I can imagine it up to a certain point, it never really gets deep. Just being his friend would be enough for me, honestly, so why do I feel so heartbroken? Am I heartbroken that I'll know I'll never even be his friend...

That might be it, actually. That could be it exactly. I would kill to have this guy in my life as more than just a fan worship relationship and I know that'll never happen. They all like me well enough, but it'll never go further than what it is now and I'm running out of time. They are well on their way to becoming the rock stars they're meant to be so the time I have to build a friendship grows thin. They'll blow up and I'll be forgotten and maybe that's the other reason why my heart aches.

Although there's really nothing I can do about the friendship thing, I at least know why I've been feeling the way I have and it has nothing to do with liking said boy in said band.